is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
