you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
