Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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