Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
4 words: hood of his car
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
