I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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