Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
