I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
