If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
