8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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