i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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