Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
