one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
