My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
