My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
