Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
