My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
