So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
