Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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