If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
