I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
