dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
