Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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