I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
