I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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