I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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