I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
