My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
