It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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