I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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