I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
dude. I can hear the air.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
