i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
