I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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