i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
