My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
