i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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