if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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