awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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