he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
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