I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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