he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
