I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
