I heard we made out
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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