u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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