I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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