I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Randomize
