i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
