My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
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