A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
