I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
