2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
