i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
